Lyrics:

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my somach, I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog, beggin for love
Gotta have my sufferingso that I can have my cross
I know a cat named easter, he says will you ever learn
Youre just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Where are those angels when you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Thoughts?

I remember, vividly, rolling up to youth group in my car, with songs like, “Personal Jesus”, “Down with OPP” and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” blasting as loud as possible with the windows down.  This was my own form of rebellion, and now seems so silly, but it was important to me at the time.  It gave me the ability to put my questionning out there, without it really coming out of my mouth.  As hard as I was trying to be the good Christian, I know that, deep down, I was already losing my faith… but I just couldn’t admit it then.  It would mean losing the one group of friends I had (I was in no way the popular kid in high school, but at church I had a lot of friends).  So, instead of questionning outright at that time, I played my ‘rebelious’ music.

Today, when I hear any of the songs I was listening to back then, it brings a big smile to my face.  Because I remember how freeing that music made me feel when it was just me, my car, the wind in my hair and the music.  The music that resonated with me more than any Bible verse, more than any sermon, more than any hymn.  This music gave me the ability to disconnect from all of that, and just let me really be me.

I wish I had let go then, and not waited another 6 years to start truly being honest with myself and those around me.  Would have saved me from much frustration and pain.  In college, I remember listening to Tori Amos for hours and hours.  I would listen to her lyrics, and hear myself in them.  I think, in some strange way, that her music is one of the things that actually gave me the courage to finally stand up and be honest. Because I knew that someone else had done the same… to her minister father, to her church going friends, and to the world at large.

Any songs/music that really means something to you or helped you process your thoughts around religion?