Okay, so you’ve heard the beginning… I’m going to fast forward just a little bit, becuase the really interesting stuff is from my high school and early college years.  I could practically write about every single day during these years.  I was intense… and it was for good reason.  I had gone through a lot, more than most go through in their lifetime, and I was only 14.  I graduated from Junior High, and thought that ‘graduating’ to the High School Youth Group would change my life.  It did… it gave me a place to be accepted for what I did, and as long as I kept doing these things, I would be part of the popular crowd (at church, only).  So I did them, and I did them well, and I made sure everyone not only knew it, but that I was rewarded for it.

I’ve heard from people, who ask the question that a lot of people ask, “What part did your parents play in your belief.”  Well, they introduced me to church, of course, but I chose to be more fundamental on my own.  Of course, I went down this course after watching my parents go through a bitter, and by bitter, I mean… so bitter you can’t even imagine unless you’ve been there yourself. Dealing with this, trying to make everything alright for my siblings, being the ‘healer’ exhausted me, and made me look for a place where I could just be.  Just be accepted, not deal with the craziness, not deal with anything except what I wanted.  In addition to my parents divorce, which, while it was officially done just before I turned 10… went on for years… I suffered a very traumatic loss.  I will not post details about that loss here, as I’m trying to keep some anonymity, but it was major.  Rocked our entire family, and created a void, that to this day, will never be filled.

So… what does one do, when they’ve suffered two major traumatic events in their childhoold.  Especially before they’ve really hit the teenage years.  Well, in my experience, they either go in a bad direction (drinking, drugs, violence, etc.), or they become the ‘good one’ who does everything right in an attempt to make things okay.  I went this direction… others in the family went the other direction.  Honestly, both are destructive, and neither actually help fill the void, alleveate the pain, or fix the problems.  They only mask the issue until one is willing to face it head on and actually deal with it and feel it.

In choosing the path of, ‘good one’, the church became my haven.  So… after graduating from Jr. High… seeking a group that could be my resting place.  Well, high school youth group fit the bill.  That summer I went to camp.  I recommitted my life to Christ, and I joined the leadership team of the youth group.  I also joined youth choir, and participated in absolutely every event I could.  Literally, that first day at high school camp gave me my first fix, and from then on I was addicted to the feeling of acceptance, and knowing that if I did everything right, I would have the love and attention I really wanted.  I would say things like, “I’m addicted to Jesus!”  But really… I was addicted to the feeling that the group gave me.

Another thing… I remember at that camp… the speaker said, “Let Jesus fill the void in your heart and your life!”  I had felt a void for a few years, and to hear that Jesus could fill it… well, I was not about to pass up the opportunity to see if it would work.  So I prayed.  I prayed with all that I had that he would come into my life and fill that painful, horrible void.  I read the Bible, and scripture and prayed.  At that moment… the psychological high got hold of me, and it, for a moment, felt like that void was gone.  That he had indeed fixed it.  But, as with every high, there is a crash… and as we drove off that mountain from camp… the high came down in time with every swtichback we made… closer to reality.  But that did not stop me from seeking the next fix… every day after that.  For the next 10 years.