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Jun
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11
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2009
Commitment to Future Husband
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So, I found my old NIV Bible (that cost around $100, by the way… ), and in it, I found some old pieces of paper that I had written various notes on. One is a note that we were told to write in a Bible Study. It was a ‘Commitment note’ that you were to write to your future spouse. Well… this note is pretty funny, because I remember writing it and reading it aloud… and I remember adding a side note after I read it, that was for me. Here it is in its entirety:
As a commitment to my future husband, I will always be there for you… to talk to, cry with, and I will always listen to what you have to say. I will follow where you lead me and will always stay strong in my walk with God so that we may both grow in God and have God as the center of our marriage. I promise to do what God leads us to do even if it is not exactly what I planned. If we have children, I promise to let you be the leader of our family and will help in raising those children along with you in a Christian home filled with love and compassion. I will work to make our family feel comfortable talking to one another.
This was what I read to the group… god I remember this like it was yesterday… and it was at least 14 years ago. I was in college, and had started some questionning, but was still working so hard to fit in and make it happen. So I read this letter, that I didn’t really believe, especially the part that is basically me saying I’d submit to my husband.
After I read the above, I wrote this side note to myself:
I will also have my own opinions because I feel that every person should have their own mind.
It makes me laugh now. But that time of my life was excruciatingly painful. I wanted so badly to really believe Christianity. I wanted to be in that group… be a strong believer… be loved by Jesus/God. So I wrote and said things that were expected, that got good responses. But ultimately, I couldn’t keep this up, and I finally let go. The more I opened my mind, studied, and even tried to believe, the more I realized I didn’t believe, and that I wasn’t going to change my mind about this.
When I find old notes like this, it’s always so strange… because I know I wrote it, but I don’t know that person anymore. I can’t believe I ever felt that way, and even faked feeling that way. I had to grieve the loss of this person and the faith that this person had… and I did.
As I find more of my old notes and writings, I’ll share them here. I think I destroyed most of the evidence, but there are still a few pieces out there.
Any old notes/writings you’ve found from your past?
3 responses so far
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June 12, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Good post. You write: “The more I opened my mind, studied, and even tried to believe, the more I realized I didn’t believe, and that I wasn’t going to change my mind about this.”
This touches on a concern that I’ve always had about religion. In my opinion, a person cannot control their subjective beliefs. My mind truly believes what my mind truly believes, whether I want it to or not. And my mind will not let me believe in any of the supernatural gods associated with the major world religions. Can’t do it. Out of my control. The whole operation just doesn’t make sense to me. I have a way of rational thinking that I cannot turn off.
So am I to be punished–eternally–for my lack of belief that I cannot even control in the first place? That just wouldn’t be fair, especially considering that God is the entity that gave me this mind that won’t let me believe what it is that God requires me to believe in order to be saved.
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June 12, 2009 at 9:43 pm
The ‘philosopher’ in me really likes this:
“So am I to be punished–eternally–for my lack of belief that I cannot even control in the first place? That just wouldn’t be fair, especially considering that God is the entity that gave me this mind that won’t let me believe what it is that God requires me to believe in order to be saved.”
So true, and is a thought I’ve had many times over.
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June 13, 2009 at 4:24 pm
In other words: If there is a God, he created a nonbeliever in me.